I do not know why some people behave the way they do. I’ve spent years listening to podcasts about behavior, reading books to better understand myself and others, and – hell – I’ve been a teacher of high school students for over 25 years now. I can play armchair psychologist with the best of them, somedays. That’s no shade to those folks who are trained in these fields – of course they’re better. I’m just saying I’m pretty good, too.
But…somedays, well, I just find myself shocked. Horrified. Both. In awe, really, and not in a good way. I actually will say that I’m not sure how some people go to bed and sleep at night, considering what they do. To be clear, I’m not alluding to those who commit heinous and violent crimes. I’m talking about the regular, every day decisions some make, the actions some feel they are entitled to make, regardless of who suffers what consequences.
There are at least three stories that have turned my stomach in the last three days, two of which impact me directly, and a third that impacts a dear friend.
This is hard without details, I know. I’m honestly not interested in rehashing them as it will not help me. They do not deserve the air, the energy, the language, the consciousness I would have to give to them to articulate them.
All three have to do with power, and the abuse of power.
All three leave those subject to those in power nearly helpless to defend themselves, nearly helpless to reverse course. None need to be what they are. None are the byproducts of actions or decisions that are reasonable, rational, responsive, mature, efficient, effective, or done for the good of the order.
Though I’m probably about 15 years late to this blogging thing, I’ve truly been enjoying it. It’s been something I look forward to each day, something that helps me to process some aspect of my day and – perhaps more importantly – helps me to write my way to peace and optimism and hope each day. And at ~two weeks in, I’m already feeling the results. I feel calmer. I feel more hopeful. I feel more connected. I feel more purposeful. I feel more confident. I feel more relevant. I feel more entitled to the space I take up, and more open to taking up more. I feel good.
But today…well…I’m struggling. I’m struggling to understand what motivates a person to behave in such a way that devalues the very people in their space, the very people they count on, the very people who care for them, the very people who do the things that need to be done. I’m literally always surprised – shocked, even – that people would abuse their power and exert their position and force over others in ways that manifests condescension and thus serves only to dehumanize people. Perhaps this makes me naive. I think it makes me strong in my beliefs in the power we all have to do and be good.
Power over is an ugly thing. It makes me none happier or calmer to be able to notice it, to name it.
But I can say this: I am no longer interested in renting out space in my mind, my heart, or my spirit for free to people who have no respect for it. I can no longer climb the mountain of stress, jump off the cliff with only my rage to carry me through the air. I have crashed at the bottom of that cliff far, far worse for the wear. I am certain I have given years of my life to the stressors I have endured. I will no longer.
I do not understand why some choose hate.
I only know that I can choose love. I can understand me. I can heed my need for me more than I need to surrender my soul to the toxicity, selfishness, derision, high-handedness, incompetence, or cruelty of others.
I deserve more. I deserve better. The ability to notice that, to name that, well, this today is my superpower, and this today is my path to peace, optimism, hope. I will hold fast.